Q: recently found out that my husband had an affair. I chose a good man but treated him unkindly. He went on a business trip and met somebody while he was away.  When he came back and told me about it and it was like blinders came off to me. I didn’t realize how much I had been starving him emotionally and sexually and how I was looking at the world through selfish glasses.  We are still together.  I want to save the marriage, but I’m scared and want to hold back my affections.  I’d like to just get your advice on a game plan to try and save our marriage. 

A: From what you described; your husband just got a woman to treat him nice for a few nights.

You have one chance now.  You need to start treating him like you are his girlfriend.  Either turn on the charm and be the mother of his kids and the wife of his dreams, or you can kiss him goodbye. You need to start fighting for the marriage.  You don’t do it by crying and begging and I’m so hurt and upset. You have to cut all that out because he doesn’t want to work through that.

He’s got an investment in you as part of family. That’s a bigger draw than a good sex in another state. Imagine all the sweet ways she treated him. Until he makes a choice and you do it right and you be consistent, he’s going to choose you. Because with you, he gets everything. With her, he just gets a good lay.  With you, he gets family history.

Finally, you do not need to go therapy for this.  Everybody doesn’t need to go to counseling when they know what they’ve done wrong.  Take care of your man and he will choose you. You know how to do that. You used to do it. That’s how you got them in the first place.